PASSENGER: a herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. When frighten or confused these creatures collect into a group called a line. Lines have no set patterns and are usually formed in inconvenient places.

GROUP: a large, loud pack of travelers wanting to get away from it all, whatever that is. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar, spending all the emergency stipend, until five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservations agents are prohibited from pre-assigning seats as this may prevent interesting stories for passenger to tell when they get home.

FIRST CLASS: where the people sit that didn’t throwaway all their money on fast food and beer.

TICKET: the voucher you will need to rebook with another airline after your flight was canceled.

SCHEDULE: This is where you rush to leave your home airport at 5:30 am to arrive at the nearby hub airport where you have a four hour layover.

NEXT FLIGHT: is always late tomorrow afternoon.

SIGN: an airport decoration. Usually unnoticed by all except small children. Its primary function is to hide the locations of various areas of the airport, i.e. gate numbers, restrooms, baggage claims, etc.

RESTROOMS: the cubicle that attracts the fat lady with constipation. The remaining cubicle contains the crews extra luggage.

POSITION CLOSED: a sign posted at various counter locations which when interpreted by the passenger, means "Form Line Here."

BAGGAGE CLAIM: The most far away and difficult area of the airport to find. Usually hidden by numerous signs reading, "Baggage Claim Area."

FLIGHT SCHEDULE: fictitious reading material to occupy and entertain a travelers waiting time.

ON TIME: an obscure term with unknown meaning.

FOG: A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport, while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used for flight delays.

AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL: a game played by airline pilots and air-traffic controllers. The game has no rules and neither side know how it’s played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving on time for passengers to make connecting flights.

CARRY ON BAG is any bag you or with help can squeeze in the door of the aircraft. You try and push it under the person next to you’s seat and hope they don’t notice. Bicycles and trampolines are discouraged.

DEPARTURE GATE: This is where the most uncomfortable seats are tested out in the presence of many young and tired children.

AIRLINE MEALS are a reminder that you should have eaten before you left. The little bags in the seat backs are for those that wish to try the food. You are to ignore the pointing and snickering of the crew as you eat.